The Blog of kaypea

she gets everything. ALWAYS.  and what do i get?? nothing.  i'm not as pretty. i'm not as smart.  i'm not as outgoing.  i'm not as crazy.  i'm nothing!!  but i don't want to be her! i want what she has.  everybody wants to hang out with her.  they always perfer her over me. i HATE her.  and she's my friend. i'm a horrible person, but i just can't take it.  she's gets all the attention.  she has people feeling sorry for her all the time.  i'm sick of ppl sitting there and being like "aww. poor her." [people are falling for her stupid trick]  she only has her break downs in front of groups of fucking ppl.  then all the stupid teachers love her.  AND if someone doesn't like her... she keeps flirting and then making him jealous until he aventually will like her.... THEN she screws over the person she was using.  and she always does this.  she leads on tons of guys.              and then crys because she doesn't want to hurt anyone... BITCH you USED them.  how fucking stupid is she.  ACTUAYLLY she's really smart, but it just fucking sucks):

i don't hate her.  i'm just jealous.  i need to get over it and i will. 

I was laying in my bed. My eyes were wide open even though it was to dark to see.   They were shouting again. The clock read 3:29 A.M. I crawled to the edge of my bed and turned on the T.V. I couldn’t shake the feeling of guilt. A few years back she was going to leave him, but I told her I’ld be upset. I had lied. Truthfully I didn’t care and I don’t even know why I lied. He was just some guy. We would have been better off.   But now we were too deep now. We had even bought a house with him. It felt like there was no turning back. I tried to distract myself by watching T.V., but my mind kept going back to the yelling. I kept saying to myself he’ll get tired and pass out soon, but something about this felt different. His voice just kept getting louder and angrier. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was shaking.  I heard my mom screaming. I ran to see what was happening. She was being pushing against the coat rack and his hands were around her neck. I was frozen. Why wasn’t I helping her? She kicked until she got away and ran for the phone. “I’m done” is the last thing she said to him and we left.                                   A few years later our little red car was packed as full as we could get it. Not with people, but with stuff. I was sitting in the middle of the backseat. My mom turned her head and smiled at me, but I could tell from her eyes that she was worried too. I smiled back a weak smile trying to hold back my tears. I didn’t want her to see me cry.   She was hoping it would all work out, but I know we were taking a chance. We had no idea of how it was going to be.    My mom wanted change, a new beginning. I understood why, but my mind wasn’t ready to accept it. We had lived in Fargo, North Dakota for 6 years. That’s the longest we had stayed anywhere. It was the first place that I actually considered my hometown and now we were moving again. I was starting high school in less then a year.   I wasn’t ready to leave it all behind.   But my mom needed to get away. Everything seemed to be going in the wrong direction.  She had left her ex-boyfriend, but things still weren’t as good as they should be. She decided a new start with her new boyfriend, Phillip, in a new state would be just what she and I needed. He was born in California and was moving back and offered us a chance to go with him and she took it.  He started the car and I could feel us slowly backing up. We had already said our goodbyes to everyone the day before. It was early in the morning and the sun was just coming up. But I didn’t look outside the window as we passed the city for one last time. Instead I covered my face with the blanket acting like I was going to sleep while I let the tears roll down my face.  It felt like the end, but it was really just a new beginning.   Now four years later I don’t regret her choice.  My experiences have made me strong.  I believe that home is where your family is and she is my family. My home is what has made me who I am.  She has made me who I am. 

-this is my college admissions essay.  tell me what you think... be honest. very honest.  if it sounds cheesy tell me. thanks(: i will appreciate it.

Don’t hate pain.  Love it for pain means your still alive.  Everyone wants everything,, but once you get everything there’ll be nothing left to live for.  Why is being known so important?  Why do people want credit for what they did?  Why does it matter if someone else knows what you did?  so people can tell us how great it was,, but we already know it was good, so why do we need someone to tell us that it is.  It just doesn’t make sense.  That means we do things so that other people will praise us.  We live for approval.  We want people to believe that we are the smartest, the greatest, the bravest.  I don’t see why we have to be the best? That’s all we try to do.  We try to be the best.  Its just stupid.  We live for ourselves through the approval of others. Its so confusing.  We are selfish.  Everyone lives for their own needs.  I understand why people invented the idea of god.  It was to keep us in line cause naturally we would all just live for ourselves and we’d go crazy attacking each other.  Whoever invented the idea of god was smart cause God gave people a conscious.  It makes people do good by saying that was the only way that they can get into heaven.  If we act bad we’re sent to hell.  People do good for their own selfish reasons… so that they can go to heaven.  Everything we do good or bad is to benefit ourselves.  See we are selfish.  It’s crazy how the world works. 

i had an idea.... but ya i dnt noe if i have the guts to pull it off.  see well my mom's been smoking since she was 13 years old and now she has respitory lung disease. she found out like a year ago and they told her if she doesn't quit smoking she's gonna die young... sooo she said she'd quit. she almost did but then she just started again like nothing.   its been like a few months and she's still smoking... and i dnt really do anything about it... so but if she dies young i feel like it's my fault cause i didn't do anything to stop her.  i mean if i really wanted to i could.. one thing i was thinking is to start smoking myself. and ill tell her that i wont quit unless she does. i mean its really stupid.. but it would work. i mean it's not that hard to get cigarettes... at all. i could show her how stupid it is. but i don't think i'll do it cause well of course im lame like that and don't have the guts to pull anything off. but you never know i could..

Be known.  Be remembered. Be a lover. Be loud. Be crazy. Be quiet. Be a hero. Be couragous. Be brave. Be strong. Be smart. Be someone who people can depend on. Be beautfiul. Be talented. Be important. Be anyone. Be someone. but mostly be yourself.

why does sucking at something make you stop doing it. what is it that makes us only want to do something when we're the best. why do we always have to be the best.  isn't it the joy of doing something what's import? not whether we're good at it or not??

you know what is such an ugly word to me. bordom. I hate that word. it's so ugly! it's hideous. disgusting.  lately that's what i am... bored. but its only as boring as you make it.  only a boring person gets bored cause an interesting person always makes it...well interesting.  so if im bored... it's not cause there's nothing to do it's cause im deciding to do nothing because im BORING. so i hate when people say there bored.. actually i almost feel sorry for them cause that just means they're a boring person.  you have to make something happen. you are in charge of how bored you are.. you are in controll of your life. you say there's nothing to do... if you really wanted to do something so bad you can run out in the middle of the street screaming. you can dance. you can write. you can sing. you can learn another language... see the reason people are so bored lately is not because there's nothing to do it's because people are just lazy.  we just sit and wait for something to happen. and if you have a whole country sitting and waiting well duh. noting's gonna ever happen. we're just one pathetic lazy country... lame.  what's wrong with people these day... im including my self in this cause well im just as lame. i never do anything... people aren't just lazy though. people are also scared of being bad at something. see the idea of sucking at something makes us not do it. we're scared and lazy.... how sad. how boring...

March 2008...  i want to be wanted. im depressed easily. i love to laugh. i need to laugh. i think alot of guys are dumbasses. drunks are stupid. cigarettes are addidictive. i hate when people think im not trying when i am. i can’t live without my friends. i want to be beautiful.  i cry way to easily over almost anything.  i want to become stonger... mentally not physically. i hate guys who are cheesy and needy cause its annoying.  im scared to write things down for people might read it. im scared to let people in. im scared to show what im really thinking. im scared of being made a fool of.  im scared of looking stupid. im scared of not living my life to the fullest.  i think of what i want to do  and most of the time it not what im doing.  i hate who i am. i talk shit but i don’t do anything.  im boring, shy, and afraid to take chances. i want to be different and stand out, but im to scared to do anything about it. i want to make a difference in the world and i don’t want to be forgotten. i can’t be. if i was who i know i could be i would be a completely different person.  i want to run away from everything and start over, but i cant cuz i’ll feel guilty for everything that ive left behind.  i’ld miss what i would end up leaving behind.  why can’t i be who i want to be?? writing helps me.  its easiest to write down what im thinking and not deleteing it even if it sounds stupid.  its the only way i can get out what im really thinking.  its good for me.  i hate goodbyes.. they suck. i almost want someone to read this but i can’t because it’s really me and i can’t take it back.  im insecure. it would mean im letting someone in. i have to be accepted.  i get scared of being turined down.  i want to be liked. i hate being  who i am. i get jealous easily. i hate being replaced. i hate alot of things. i hate being lied to. i hate being betrayed. i hate talking in front of a group of people. it scares me. why am i so afraid.  i shouldn’t be.  its only life right? u have one chance.... i think that’s why it scares me cuz u only get one. i don’t know wat comes after and if there’s even a after.  i need to get my thoughts my ideas out now or they’ll never get to exist.  if i died tomarrow i feel i wouldn’t of done anything i wanted.  im 16 and i’ve never even really lived.  it makes me sad. i already wasted this much of my life what makes me thinking i wont end up wasting the rest of my life?  do u live for the now or the future? i’ve never really known..  its just one of those things if ur willing to take the chance ore not.  i feel empty.  like i was given so much so many chances to do things to go crazy but i never really took them.  maybe i just look at life too seriously. i need to learn to have more fun, without hurting other people.   how do you know if you doing to much for others?  they say worry about yourself before others, but if u do that you’re basically screwing over everyone else.  how much is enough.  i feel like im taken for granted.  i hate how im scared of relationships.  im hungry. random, but these are just my thoughts.  who decides if a person is really good or not? GOD??? i mean what i don’t get about him is how we’re supposed to fear him so well do the right thing.  its stupid if people are good we dont need someone to scare us into doing the right thing.  right..  its just some story some people made up in the past so that people will do the 'right' thing.  watever. maybe im just scared to put my faith in something, because whats the point if its not even there. just praying to something that’s not existint.  its hard for me to put faith into something.  i fear im gonna die young and this stupid letter is all that people will have of the real me.  that really scares me.  if this is all thats gonna be left.  i feel i deserve something more than this.  but i don’t really  have it that bad. maybe i just like felling sorry for myself, but why would i?? am i that pathetic?  what’s wrong with me.  at least now i have some of my thoughts written.  i don’t want to be alone.  I want to feel needed. but i don’t feel like i am.  my words are original and their mine. they also are random and don’t always make sense.  i suck at spelling.  i promised my mom i’ld never start smoking.  why am i terrifed of not being accepted.  whys being alone so scary to me.  that’s my problem. im scared of everything. i fear being alone.  i believe almost everything people tell me.  im smart but at the same time really stupid.  i fall for things easily. i hate scary movies. i love being happy.  i want to be talented. but i have no talents. i cant sing. i cant dance. im not a writer. im not extremely smart. im just average and i hate being average. and if i dont put this on here now i’ll never do it. 

The new me... October 4 2008:  live for today not for tomarrow.  worring never helps anyone.  no regrets... mistakes happen.  embarassing moments happen.  relax.  instead of thinking of all the reasons you shouldn't do something... just do it.  lifes not always gonna be there,, so have fun while you can.  self pitty is well.... pitifull. some people will always have it better than you and some people will always have it worse... it shouldn't matter.  if you can handle it then its all good.  you don't have a problem.  never try to fit in to get in to a certain group.  if your yourself a group will come to you.  be there for the people who are there for you.  they deserve it.  don't lie. don't be decietfull.  DON'T tell people what they want to hear.  tell them the truth. you never know, cause you could be the first person to tell someone something and though it may be painful it may be exactly what they needed to hear.  the truth hurts, but it can be life changing.  forgive but NEVER forget.  love,, but never let go. always say hello ,, but never say goodbye.  never doubt your importance.  EVERYONE makes a difference.  no matter if they wanted to or not. lifes not long enough to waste complaining.  find the good no matter how bad it is and go with it.  Be positive :) it's alot happier.  smile at everyone.  you never know you could change someone's whole day.  its the small things that matter.  they're are what make up the big picture in the end.  hate is to be hated. and life is to be loved.