The Blog of kaypea

March 2008...  i want to be wanted. im depressed easily. i love to laugh. i need to laugh. i think alot of guys are dumbasses. drunks are stupid. cigarettes are addidictive. i hate when people think im not trying when i am. i can’t live without my friends. i want to be beautiful.  i cry way to easily over almost anything.  i want to become stonger... mentally not physically. i hate guys who are cheesy and needy cause its annoying.  im scared to write things down for people might read it. im scared to let people in. im scared to show what im really thinking. im scared of being made a fool of.  im scared of looking stupid. im scared of not living my life to the fullest.  i think of what i want to do  and most of the time it not what im doing.  i hate who i am. i talk shit but i don’t do anything.  im boring, shy, and afraid to take chances. i want to be different and stand out, but im to scared to do anything about it. i want to make a difference in the world and i don’t want to be forgotten. i can’t be. if i was who i know i could be i would be a completely different person.  i want to run away from everything and start over, but i cant cuz i’ll feel guilty for everything that ive left behind.  i’ld miss what i would end up leaving behind.  why can’t i be who i want to be?? writing helps me.  its easiest to write down what im thinking and not deleteing it even if it sounds stupid.  its the only way i can get out what im really thinking.  its good for me.  i hate goodbyes.. they suck. i almost want someone to read this but i can’t because it’s really me and i can’t take it back.  im insecure. it would mean im letting someone in. i have to be accepted.  i get scared of being turined down.  i want to be liked. i hate being  who i am. i get jealous easily. i hate being replaced. i hate alot of things. i hate being lied to. i hate being betrayed. i hate talking in front of a group of people. it scares me. why am i so afraid.  i shouldn’t be.  its only life right? u have one chance.... i think that’s why it scares me cuz u only get one. i don’t know wat comes after and if there’s even a after.  i need to get my thoughts my ideas out now or they’ll never get to exist.  if i died tomarrow i feel i wouldn’t of done anything i wanted.  im 16 and i’ve never even really lived.  it makes me sad. i already wasted this much of my life what makes me thinking i wont end up wasting the rest of my life?  do u live for the now or the future? i’ve never really known..  its just one of those things if ur willing to take the chance ore not.  i feel empty.  like i was given so much so many chances to do things to go crazy but i never really took them.  maybe i just look at life too seriously. i need to learn to have more fun, without hurting other people.   how do you know if you doing to much for others?  they say worry about yourself before others, but if u do that you’re basically screwing over everyone else.  how much is enough.  i feel like im taken for granted.  i hate how im scared of relationships.  im hungry. random, but these are just my thoughts.  who decides if a person is really good or not? GOD??? i mean what i don’t get about him is how we’re supposed to fear him so well do the right thing.  its stupid if people are good we dont need someone to scare us into doing the right thing.  right..  its just some story some people made up in the past so that people will do the 'right' thing.  watever. maybe im just scared to put my faith in something, because whats the point if its not even there. just praying to something that’s not existint.  its hard for me to put faith into something.  i fear im gonna die young and this stupid letter is all that people will have of the real me.  that really scares me.  if this is all thats gonna be left.  i feel i deserve something more than this.  but i don’t really  have it that bad. maybe i just like felling sorry for myself, but why would i?? am i that pathetic?  what’s wrong with me.  at least now i have some of my thoughts written.  i don’t want to be alone.  I want to feel needed. but i don’t feel like i am.  my words are original and their mine. they also are random and don’t always make sense.  i suck at spelling.  i promised my mom i’ld never start smoking.  why am i terrifed of not being accepted.  whys being alone so scary to me.  that’s my problem. im scared of everything. i fear being alone.  i believe almost everything people tell me.  im smart but at the same time really stupid.  i fall for things easily. i hate scary movies. i love being happy.  i want to be talented. but i have no talents. i cant sing. i cant dance. im not a writer. im not extremely smart. im just average and i hate being average. and if i dont put this on here now i’ll never do it. 

The new me... October 4 2008:  live for today not for tomarrow.  worring never helps anyone.  no regrets... mistakes happen.  embarassing moments happen.  relax.  instead of thinking of all the reasons you shouldn't do something... just do it.  lifes not always gonna be there,, so have fun while you can.  self pitty is well.... pitifull. some people will always have it better than you and some people will always have it worse... it shouldn't matter.  if you can handle it then its all good.  you don't have a problem.  never try to fit in to get in to a certain group.  if your yourself a group will come to you.  be there for the people who are there for you.  they deserve it.  don't lie. don't be decietfull.  DON'T tell people what they want to hear.  tell them the truth. you never know, cause you could be the first person to tell someone something and though it may be painful it may be exactly what they needed to hear.  the truth hurts, but it can be life changing.  forgive but NEVER forget.  love,, but never let go. always say hello ,, but never say goodbye.  never doubt your importance.  EVERYONE makes a difference.  no matter if they wanted to or not. lifes not long enough to waste complaining.  find the good no matter how bad it is and go with it.  Be positive :) it's alot happier.  smile at everyone.  you never know you could change someone's whole day.  its the small things that matter.  they're are what make up the big picture in the end.  hate is to be hated. and life is to be loved.